


Five

by justsomebucky



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, Coma, Death, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Goodbyes, Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, Mild Language, life support, time is stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 09:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16302383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justsomebucky/pseuds/justsomebucky
Summary: Time runs out far too soon.





	Five

**Author's Note:**

> This is for @bionic-buckyb ‘s 8K Angst Challenge on tumblr. The prompt was #25, bolded below.

“You look tired.”

That was an understatement. You _were_ tired. You were so tired that even your tiredness was showing signs of its own fatigue.

But still you remained, sitting at your husband’s bedside where he had been for the last two weeks. Doctors and hospital staff were in and out, and sometimes a family member or friend if you were lucky, but most had given up trying to rearrange their schedules. Most had returned to their own lives, and the doctors to their more important patients.

You plastered on a smile as you glanced up at your husband. “Don’t worry about me, Buck. I’m fine.”

His blue eyes gave you a look. “You aren’t though, Y/N. You aren’t fine. And that’s okay too, but you’ve been through a lot, you deserve to let it go and get some rest now, doll.”

The term of endearment brought tears to your eyes, which you tried to hide almost immediately by looking away. “I said I’m fine. I’ll wait out the agreed upon time frame and if there’s still nothing after then that’ll be that.”

When a nurse came in to check the several monitors surrounding your husband, you watched silently. You stared at her face, her eyes, trying to account for every breath and every muscle twitch to see if there was something you were missing…to see if there was something there that probably, most likely, _wasn’t_.

It was an exercise of sight and mind that you’d become quite good at during your two week extended visitation. You’d always been good at reading people and that’s why you’d talked Bucky’s doctor into telling you the truth early on. Now, though, you were sort of just ignoring your instincts, grasping at non-existent hints or imagined messages.

The nurse left without a word, without even a glance in your direction. That was normal, though, after the diagnosis was given. Everyone glanced at you with sad eyes, but you didn’t want their pity. They were the ones who missed out on a beautiful coexistence with James Buchanan Barnes, the love of your life.

There was no news. You don’t know why you’d let yourself get your hopes up again. There wasn’t going to be any _good_ news. Now it was a race against time.

His hand was laying still, so you reached out and clasped it, ignoring how he didn’t squeeze your hand back as you continued talking. “Besides, I’m not the one who’s been through a lot. Look at _you_.”

Bucky’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m more interested in you, love. Always have been. I never knew my time with you would be so short, doll, but what a time it was. I’m grateful, for all of it. I’m just rotating through your universe.”

“What an odd thing to say.” You eyed him, unamused. “You are more than that, Bucky. **You should think things through before you say them aloud**.”

**“Where’s the fun in that?”**

Fun? Yeah, he would probably be thinking of fun right then if he could, even though there wasn’t going to be any more time for fun. No more banter, no more laughing so hard that he couldn’t help but cry. No time for that.

What an awful construct time was.

Time to go, time to wait, time to stand still and pray to some deity or another, one that may or may not exist, that you deserved another chance…that Bucky deserved another chance.

Some of those in the know told you to face facts, to face reality and stop what they called a _fruitless effort_. They told you there was nothing else to be done but be there for him and follow his wishes.

Could you?

Were you strong enough?

Only time could tell you that. Evil, ruthless time, whose seconds were slipping by so quickly it felt like the whole world might end at any moment.

At least, _your_ world might.

“I love you,” Bucky whispered in your imagination.

That was the only place you got to talk to him anymore, besides your dreams.

“I love you most,” you replied to his still form, giving his hand another gentle squeeze as you reached up to caress his stubble-covered cheek.

His eyes had looked darker than normal. Maybe you were remembering wrong. Had it been that long already?

You didn’t want to ever forget them…or forget him.

Five in the afternoon was fast approaching. Five o’clock, quitting time for a lot of people in the city, a time of relief when you finally got to leave work and go home to your dog or your family or your empty apartment or whatever you chose for yourself.

 _It’s five o’clock_ _somewhere_ , they say gleefully before popping open another drink, another spirit to lessen the day’s hardships.

Well, it was nearly five where you were. And while there would be a homecoming of sorts, it wasn’t one you were looking forward to. There wouldn’t be celebrations or libations of any kind. Five was the hour in which your world would turn upside down, per Bucky’s own instructions.

“Are you ready?”

You flinched at the sound of another voice in the room.

The doctor was here too early. It was too soon, dammit. The clock said there were five more minutes left to be here. Five more minutes left to hold Bucky’s hand and imagine him talking to you like he wasn’t in a coma…to imagine his bright ( _not_ dark) blue eyes staring back into yours.

“No,” you answered truthfully. Your gaze flickered back to Bucky’s pale face, to his closed eyelids and sunken cheekbones…to the tube in his throat and the wires and the tape and the ventilator, the only things that stood between you being a wife or a widow.

“We have your paperwork,” the doctor reminded you gently. “But you can still go against his final wishes and move Mr. Barnes to a facility where he can remain on life supp-“

“No!” you repeated, feeling your eyes sting with tears. “This isn’t him, this isn’t…Bucky wouldn’t want that.”

Five minutes became four minutes, then three, then suddenly a chime was going off somewhere down the hall. It’s like time skipped a few minutes for spite. 

That was it.

In your mind, you could see him nodding, agreeing with you. In your mind he was there supporting you as you made the hardest decisions of your lifetime. But he was only in your mind now, and between your mind and your heart, it’d have to be enough.

“It’s time.”

_Time._

_Of course it was._

_Time, you sonofabitch._

The same nurse from earlier stepped forward to close the blinds as the doctor excused herself from the room.

“I’ll start now. When I’m done, it could take seconds, minutes, hours, maybe even days.” Her voice was gentle as she recited something she must have told a hundred husbands, wives, kids, parents, friends, strangers…how many lives had been kept artificially alive in utter futility?

Seconds, minutes, hours, maybe even days? _Time. He’d be gone in no time at all._

You only half-listened as she shut off one monitor then the next, your eyes glued to Bucky’s face.

“Wait,” you whispered, moving to stand over him.

“Ma’am, it’s past five o’clock, if we could just –“

“Just _wait_!”

Bucky would understand; you hadn’t meant to lose your temper. He would have forgiven you for not being ready.

The two of you had talked about this at length. 

His was a lifetime of sorrow and joy, of pain and pleasure…he lived life to the fullest and brought you with him. Even so, he wanted to make sure he knew your wishes if something happened to you. He wanted to make sure you would be okay if something like this ever happened to him.

You knew what he wanted, knew what had to happen.

You both _talked_ about this.

You just never, ever expected it.

“Bucky,” you whimpered, finally letting those traitorous tears slide down your cheeks. “ _Please_ , Bucky?”

Could he still hear you?

Again, you put your skills to work, waiting for any sign, any flinch or twitch, a hint that maybe your best friend and partner in life wasn’t quite ready to leave you, either.

But that wasn’t fair to expect. It wasn’t fair to Bucky, it wasn’t fair to you.

He couldn’t hear you.

“It’s okay, baby.” You leaned over and kissed his forehead gently. “You go and get some rest now. It’s okay. I’ll be okay.”

With one final caress - a soft touch to his hair, his cheek, across his bottom lip and down his jawline - you gave a nod of resignation.

“Go on, then,” you murmured to the nurse.

She removed the breathing tube and shut off the last machine while you placed your head on Bucky’s chest to hear his heartbeat slow…and then stop.

You heard the last breath leave his body.

It’s five o’clock, _somewhere_.


End file.
